I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
