I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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