So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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