I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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