Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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