In America we eat man semen.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
