my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
