Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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