I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no you cant smoke seaweed
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
