I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
