he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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