what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
