I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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