Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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