I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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