I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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