I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
