My sheets look like a crime scene.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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