apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
