I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
