So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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