'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
