Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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