I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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