At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
