He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
