Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
