Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
