I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
