dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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