if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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