I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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