Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
