I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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