I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
