Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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