I'm passing your future prison.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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