i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
