Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
