i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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