tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
