why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
