if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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