You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
