I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
