im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You made out with two different species that night
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
