nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i think my cat just said my name.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
