When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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