Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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