they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need a beard to bite.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
