Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i believe in u and ur pee
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
